Ring Toss

Tossing rings in fits of outrage and craziness provides a moment of tragic (or comedic, as the case may be) cinema on the big screen but everyday, real life people who chuck meaningful and expensive pieces of jewelry around probably aren't going to make it, relationally, with the person who gifted them that piece of jewelry. I've seen and heard about this practice a handful of times.

Ladies, don't be stupid. Hold onto the bling. If he walks, sell it and buy yourself a trip to an all inclusive, or, a trip to Target for paper towels and bath bombs if you find out he was bum face lying about that being Memaw's rock.

The first (and to this day, the most unusual) ring toss I ever heard of was in the summer of 1985. I was in the living room of a Fribble loving ginger haired boy named Ricky with whom I worked. His sister, a beautiful and sassy girl, was going off to college for the first time in a few weeks. Heir apparent to a pizza business which he was expected to manage for the family, her robust and gorgeous boyfriend had spent the better part of a year learning all the official garlicky money-making ropes and was, at age 18, primed to be second in command at a successful local parlor that everyone knew and loved. We all felt like she was per molto fortunato to have him as her guy...I mean, what's better than a cute, thoughtful Italian who shows up with calzones on the daily? And has a guaranteed job for life? Cinzano!

Well, that hot afternoon she was pacing in and out of her family's living room, wailing and tossing used tissues up in the air like soggy little ghosts. Her pizzaiolo had taken her to the lake and given her a small but splendid diamond ring because he wanted her to know he cared deeply about her and a ring would surely render them exclusive while she was away. Apparently she'd been giving the possibility of this happening some careful and constructive forethought because she had a nifty 'let the bohunk down easy' speech planned, and delivered it with as much compunction as possible. Broken-hearted, he took the ring, said, "Well if you won't wear this ring, no one can!" and flipped it like pizza dough into the water.

That must have been a long drive home, folks.

Ricky and I had MTV on (of course we did, it was 1985) while she was recounting the story. Bananarama's Cruel Summer was playing, and leaning down to heave and warble snortfully in my face, she moaned, "HOW can you WATCH that while I'm pouring my HEART out, here?" I didn't have the words to explain that it was too perfect to have those three (coked out and sniffling) English girls jumping around in their overalls singing about love and loss in the cruel, cruel summer while I was smack in the middle of listening to her, in her overall shorts, sniffling and jumping around and telling a story about love and loss in the cruel, cruel summer ALL WHILE I WAS DRINKING A BANANA FRIBBLE so I just said, "I'm sorry. I'm not sure."

The second ring toss story happened only a year later. An unconventional couple with whom I was loosely acquainted was driving down the highway to visit her college of choice. She was a petite dancer with a penchant for books and early bedtimes and he was a wrestler who loved to rap and chase people around with aerosol cans and lighters. Supposedly they got into a huge kerfuffle about the merits of a her earning a criminal justice degree (maybe he was planning a life of crime? Nobody knows!) and whether or not she should get her hair layered like Kim Wilde in the Kids in America video and poof! Out the window sailed the ruby chip that had graced her ring finger.  

Another very uncomfortable ride home, kids. I'm pretty sure I'm sensing a pattern here.

My advice to any girl taking an unaccompanied by adults automobile ride with a boyfriend during a time when someone might be considering college is: leave the ring at home. 

Other ring toss stories I've been part of, party to or graced by:

A high school teacher, seeing a boy's class ring all yarned up and stuck on my finger grabbed me unexpectedly under the arm on the way out to a fire drill and lectured me to take good care of it. Wincing, more from surprise then pain, I gave him a glowering look because of the continued intensity of his grip on my pit. He seemingly a bit lost in thought, loosened up and glancing down at his Weejuns, told me his wife, then girlfriend, had flushed his class ring, a prized possession, down the toilet. I smirked and said, "And you still married her?" His answer wasn't too robust, or too jolly, if I'm being honest.  

A friend saw a couple argue intensely during the reception part of a family wedding which led to the guy leaving the wedding, hitchhiking down the road to a bar and tossing his relatively new tungsten wedding ring into a bevy of tall bushes before entering it. His pals who had Ubered to the bar (small town, really only one possible place he could have run off to), spent a good portion of time on their knees searching for the ring while he boozily yelled "EFF HER" and a bunch of other nifty thoughts from inside the joint. The hunt for the ring stopped when the 'HER" in "EFF HER" also showed up, in a cab, looking for his ring chucking ass. I'll bet that ride home (which for he and his wife was a solid three hours the next day) was also a doozy. 

Last one, and then you can go search for that Banarama video. And don't try and tell me they weren't on drugs. Look at the footwear...and those bangs. Plus I think that's day old mood lipstick on the one girl. Remember that stuff that was green in the tube but ended up brownish red on your pout and it didn't wash off for like two days? Anyway...the next ring toss story may be the best one. 

I had a dorm-mate in college who arrived on campus a fresh faced, poodle permed, and very newly engaged first year student. She was kind of clingy, personable, and could play The Entertainer on the piano, even after she'd drunk six bottles of Mickeys fine malt liquor in the course of a single hour. Within our first year at school, she had fallen hard for and become (oh so typical!) Valentine's weekend engaged to (not so typical!) ANOTHER guy on campus. Only a handful of us knew she was already engaged because the FIRST ring got slipped back into its velvet box on day 5 of school once she realized how uncouth it was to be betrothed while sitting on someone's lap at a kegger. Well, her birthday was in March and her hometown hubby to be (on leave from the military, God bless him) came to surprise her (with the help of her roommate who, God bless her also, was freaking sick of this crap). Finding him in her room, she subsequently argued with soldier boy relentlessly upon his arrival, mostly out of fear and panic that fiancée number two would come waltzing by any minute to grab her for pizza night at the Rathskeller, and she ended up dramatically calling off their not yet planned wedding and throwing the ring at him. But guess what? You got it! Winner winner reverse polygamy dinner! WRONG RING. Believe it or not fiancée number two found out and was more upset about HIS ring being thrown about like last night's gobbledygook than the actual act of being engaged to more than one dude. I wonder how that all eventually turned out. It's probably fine, right? Yeah, probably fine. 

If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. 

Make it cheap so I'm not sad when I fling that shit. 

Don't be mad when you see that bling orbit.

If you like it then you...oh forget it. You know the rest. 

Woh oh oh oh oh oh!

#fribble #Bananarama #CruelSummer #throwingyourengagementring #Mickeysmaltliquor #KimWilde #KidsinAmerica #pizzaiolo #classring #Weejuns #mushroomtumbler