Things My Father Taught Me:
1. You can sit behind home plate for less money on getaway days.
2. Cheap bourbon will make you sick. So will good bourbon if you're stupid, but that is no excuse to drink cheap bourbon.
3. There are only three reasons to get up before dawn: the balloon festival, hockey practice, and to go to the bathroom; otherwise, sleep in.
4. Always help the underdog, the downtrodden, and the desperate, but don't hurt your arm patting yourself on the back about it.
5. Swapping lies with friends over an outdoor fire is just about the best time you'll ever have. The bigger the fish, the better the story.
6. Respect your elders. Call them, visit them, bring them dessert.
7. Old recipes are the best. If it tasted good on Thanksgiving in 1960, for the love of God, don't mess with it.
8. Buy an American car...during the last week of the month...and walk in knowing exactly the number for a 500-dollar deal in favor of the dealer. If the salesperson flinches, walk out.
9. Own a woodstove, a Bible, a cat, a dog, and a rifle.
10. Speak highly of people or don't speak of them at all.
11. Quit trying to win arguments with idiots. It's better to be happy than to be right.
12. If there are checks in the checkbook, you've got spending money today.
13. Life is short. Pick out the best steak. Invest in the season tickets. Go see the concert.
14. A bouquet of flowers is usually better than a practical present.
15. Get to know your neighbors. Invite them to your parties and go celebrate in their backyards; that way no one calls the cops when things run late and get loud.
16. Woolrich lasts a lifetime.
17. Be aware of your town's noise ordinance and have a meter. You'll save more in fines than you'll pay for the gadget.
18. Michael McDonald, Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson and Neil Diamond are better than the singers who arrived on the scene after them.
19. The drive to New York City will soothe emotional anguish with the right company and the fun you'll have there will be the cherry on the sundae.
20. Your family is more important than your job, your financial standing, and your ego.
21. Go to all the weddings and all the funerals. People will remember that you showed up.
22. Good hair products can change your whole appearance.
23. Fight your own battles.
24. Never be too busy, too intimidated or too ignorant to talk to anyone about anything at any time. Read everything you can get your hands on, listen intently to all that goes on around you and absorb everything. Being able to converse freely will be your greatest gift to others.
25. Run toward the ball, use two hands and pay attention. There will be a test on all of this someday.
Thanks for over 50 years of lessons.
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
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