Monday, June 12, 2023

Goodbye #1

Please don't go.


I promise I will stop flinching when you comb my hair. 

I will walk the dog.

I will stop snickering when you come down the stairs with those greenish clay face masks on that make your skin so smooth. 

I will put the wine bottles in the bottom of the trash.

I will offer the older pretzels to my friends instead of the unopened Oreos. 

I will finish my homework on Saturday morning instead of Sunday night. 

I will answer the phone with our family's last name and the word residence, so that we sound important. 

I will move the laundry from the washer to the dryer when you are tired. 

I will rinse my bathing suit of its chlorine and hang it in the bathroom. 

I will stop complaining when I have to dress up for Thanksgiving. 

I will stop shoving all five pieces of gum from the pack into my mouth.

When we shop for my winter coat, we'll buy the one you like on me instead of the one I like on me. 


Please don't leave. 


I promise I won't leave my sneakers for people to trip over in the middle of the living room. 

I won't bring home any grades lower than A minuses.

I won't take your perfume to school and spray all the girls after gym class. 

I won't bring home anymore goldfish in baggies from school fairs. 

I won't stay over at my friends' houses every weekend when you need help cooking dinner and vacuuming.

I won't roller skate on the lawn.

I won't crawl out my window onto the roof. 

I won't spend my birthday money on smelly stickers for my sticker book.

I won't toss all our wheat-flavored crackers out to the birds.

I won't draw mustaches and ink out the front teeth of the actresses on the covers of your magazines. 

I won't argue about bedtime on a school night. 

Your secrets are safe with me. Who would I tell? 


Promise you'll wait.


...


Goodbye. 





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Friday, June 9, 2023

A Stone's Throw

I'm not sure

I ever rightly thanked you

for the times you woke me up and made me feel like the prettiest girl in the movie

worthy of attention via streetlight 

on a weeknight.

And even though my mom said it was too late

and my dad said both my window and I were too fragile

I adored your pebble tossing shenanigans. 


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Thursday, June 8, 2023

A simple kind of hair.

I love looking at old photos before, say, 1983, when hair products consisted of a few gender specific items sold at the drugstore. Everyone's hair was different; whatever each of us was lucky (or unlucky) enough to have been born with. 

Our 1970s supermarket had Suave and Head and Shoulders, sure, but there was no mousse and Dippity Do hair gel was used, at least in my age group, only by ballerinas at recital time and the local "Coquines", synchronized swim team which performed underwater dance. 

When I began reading beauty magazines like Seventeen, something new called hair mousse arrived on the scene. The very first ad I saw for mousse was by L'Oreal. Their brand-new product called "Free Style" was touted as being very 'French' and only for the most discerning of ladies.

Immediately intrigued, I thought, well, I study French in school and although I'm not what you'd call discerning, I definitely have a ton of hair, and it tends toward extreme frizz. I had been brushing it incessantly with my cream and salmon colored Denman brush which was supposed to calm it down but produced exactly the opposite effect. As soon as I could, I rushed out to CVS to purchase L'Oreal mousse with my babysitting money.

Now, I can distinctly remember it was a little over 2 dollars a can. In today's babysitting dollars I'm guessing that would be equal to 20 or 30 bucks, but even if it had cost more, I would have figured out a way to buy it. To get a backup can, I even asked for it for my birthday. It became the white whale of beauty products for a young girl like me. 

I bought one and brought it home in my white CVS paper bag along with some Clearasil and one of my favorite Paper Mate erasable pens. Giddy with anticipation, I marched straight to the bathroom, washed my hair by leaning over our claw foot tub and moussed it according to the directions while my chest recovered from being smushed upside down for 10 minutes against the cast iron. After blow drying it with our white plastic Conair dryer, it appeared nice and shiny but was still puffier than I liked, so I got the swell idea of putting my Dad's fedora hat on for about an hour after I dried it, flattening it out. Having the mousse in it smoothed the cuticle under the hat and that made me super happy. The mousse-then-hat stunt became a routine which caused my late arrival for a lot of events that year, and when Dad wanted to wear the hat, there was a tug of war as to who really needed the chapeau-come-salon secret that night.

Walking the aisle of hair products in our grocery store today can be overwhelming and there is a large section of TJ Maxx simply for hair serums and sprays which far surpass the average mousse both in claims, and in price. And actually, mousse is sort of difficult to come by nowadays. I heard the term "product graveyard" yesterday, cannily descriptive of the undersink in many people's bathrooms; full of tress tamers we've bought and never use.

Less product agrees with my hair as time goes on, something I discovered mostly because I grew tired of dithering around with it for the last 40 years and also because my hair is increasingly porous and anything I put in it either turns it to straw or juices it up into a gluey mess. And wouldn't you know, oddly, I have grown the softest baby hair again. It's gone back to the hair I had in elementary school. I pull a sweater over my head and hundreds of filaments stick to my face in staticy unison. It flies around like scattered leaves when the wind blows; most times, straight into my lip balm. It creates Naval quality sailor knots in my sleep which require some patient and tricky undoing in the morning so that I don't have to hack them out with scissors. It smells like my leave in conditioner and serum, which is, unless I'm going somewhere super humid or super fancy, are the only things I put in it.

Simplifying my hair products has brought me a sort of back to the good old days satisfaction. Using less feels right.

On deck, body products. 


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Wednesday, June 7, 2023

Crazy

Don't call me crazy.

I've studied crazy as it gimped through Grand Central Station wearing one broken heel and one flip flop in the dead of winter, pulling all its belongings behind it on a sheet of indeterminable color, gesturing wildly and spinning a tale only it could comprehend. 

Don't call me crazy.

I've looked crazy in the eye on a Paris subway platform as it held itself on full display, slinging masturbatory glee while screaming about what it wanted, needed, me to do to it, raining smut and spittle down on the tracks in a Romance language better served for poets and docents. 

Don't call me crazy.

I've sat with crazy on park benches, nodding at tales about how the world is ending, how Satan walks among us, how the pirate life is the noblest profession and how it was the most heralded rap superstar before Tupac and Biggie conspired to steal all its art. 

I offer up petty cash to crazy. I extend crazy some compassion. I feed crazy when it needs dinner. I sacrifice my time for crazy because crazy was a child once, too. But some days I give crazy a wide fucking berth depending on how many hairs stand up on the back of my neck when crazy runs me down, recalling my face and my typical cheerful consolation. 

I'm not naive. Crazy can be horrifying. 

I've helplessly watched crazy pummel someone's face at a level of depravity not seen up close before or since.

I've stayed laser focused on crazy as it slunk around a campus dive bar gauging the reachability of the drinks ordered by girls with the thinnest wrists and wobbliest limbs.

I've primitively danced with crazy at an outdoor festival before it changed into a hobbit, tore into my unsuspecting shoulder with its teeth, and shambled off into the crowd, shrieking with glee.

I've been in touch with and around crazy all my life. 

It is not me. 



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Tuesday, June 6, 2023

A Mortal Tonic

Life is a drink.

It is effervescent spring water, full of anticipated deliciousness.


The drink sits until I am ready for it. 


Raising it to my lips I see it has taken on a milky cast, the murky creep of a fog; the chalky eye of a shark. Pebbled remnants of medicine, dropped in my plain water, struggle to swirl about but are weighted in place by the sludge of too much. 


Too much remedy and not enough river. 


This curative reeks of salt and of the storage cabinet where it was kept too long, decades past expiry.

Unused and stagnant in this state, it has become deadly. 




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Tuesday, November 22, 2022

Rightly Drowned

I should have flown 

out over the salty surf into the milky threads of clouds 

chasing the siren song of the dolphins,

enshrined in the scattery splash of the osprey's shallow dive.


I should have waltzed with fate

fluttering conspicuously close to the flinty eye of the shark

watching jaws dangling open for the fishy prize of her watery sprint.


But I remained on the shore

harbored

contented

in the halo of golden grains.


And where I thought was stillness and safety, 

a grenade churned from the heavens and earth 

and blew onto the beach.


It overcame me.

Cantaloupe over poppyseed.

Carnelian over obsidian.

House-a-fire over hot charred ashes.


And I rightly drowned. 



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Friday, August 5, 2022

Day 22/24 : Things I Won't Be Buying Today

Well, it's August 1st and that means Halloween candy has officially taken over the seasonal aisle at the local grocery store. 

All the 'Beach, Please' and 'It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere' parrot and palm tree'd koozies are 75% off and smushed together unforgivingly into a dirty looking plastic box at the end of the aisle. They've been orphaned in favor of Fall. 

Because, you know, it's only 97 degrees today and my drink definitely won't be sweating, or requiring a koozie or anything. 




So, seriously. Candy and pails for candy collection on Halloween night are everywhere. Also, Halloween Peeps...shaped like pumpkins...which shouldn't even be a "thing". 

A PEEP is a BIRD SOUND, people, not a PUMPKIN SOUND. 

However, those folks who prefer their Peeps STALE A.F. will be thrilled to glimpse them this early on the shelves. By October they'll be bicuspid-breaking rocks. Here's a hint. Just say no to that stupid bird-name flat-assed marshmallow dunked in glittery orange sugar put upon the shelf today and pick up the 75 percent off marshmallows on the opposite end of the row, near the Hershey bars and the graham crackers - part of the summer clearance s'more sale. 

'Cause, ya know, it's AUGUST and I guess S'MORES are COMPLETELY DONE.

Even if I bought the Reeses Franken-Cups which caught my eye with their Swamp Thing-esque green bottoms they'd be a petri dish of muck in the back of my hatch by the time I got them home; gooing themselves all over my lawn chair and pool float that I haven't taken out of car and put away... 

BECAUSE IT'S SUMMER. 

SUMMMM 

MMMMMER.



So, enough of the 9-week Halloween preview before you cram the last three overly commercialized holidays of the year together into something we now call Hallothanksmas.  It's lunacy. 


Can you let us just enjoy summer while it's summer?

Two teachers looking over my shoulder at the candy display began making snorting noises like mating warthogs in aisle 4. They, too, apparently hate the idea of rushing summer in favor of Halloween candy, though presumably for an entirely different reason than I. The idea of flying through August at warp speed and starting school was flipping them both out. Like, flippin' FLIPping. In fact, their collective strife made one of them start yelling. 

"HALLOWEEN? It's AUGUST!" she howled. "AND I'm a teacher!!!!!!"

It'll be okay, Miss Crabtree. Just don't buy it. Instead, grab yourself an end of summer koozie on the way out. 75 percent off!


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