Chris Craft Crisis

"Please take off everything but your underwear. That includes all your jewelry, " Maddalyn said while sizing me up. "Earrings, too."

"All my earrings?" I asked, scrunching my nose up and rubbing my fingers over the four in my left lobe.

"Yes. They show up on the film and make things messy."

"Ok. I'll see you in about half an hour." I joked, unscrewing my hoops and studs. 

She smiled wearily for my lame attempt at humor and left me alone to change.

Entering the imaging room while pinching the back of the huge blue gown together with my good arm for dear life, lest me violet bum (underwear is permitted) scare anyone ambling by in the hallway, I sigh at the sight of the gigantic x-ray machine and ask if I may please remove my mask, worn for the purpose of keeping my nonexistent cough from spraying anyone in my nonexistent 6 foot field of reach during our 6^th month of Covid 19.

"Sure, no problem" the masked technician chirped, flipping expertly through the paperwork my new doctor had sent over. I set my mask down on a chair and caressed behind my ears, nearly raw from the constant rub of elastic.

"Were you in a car accident?" she asked.

"No."

"Have trauma?"

"No. Why?"

"Well there are so many images requested here, I just..." and she peered up at me over her own bulky white face covering with a look that screamed pity even though all I could spy were her irises and eyebrows.

"I have Lyme." I explain and leave it at that even though my story is so much longer and involves so many other details, problems and realities. It's just that I am tired of explaining myself and have just come from another 90-minute appointment, so I am whipped, frazzled, tattered and I want to make this quick.

She walks toward me and makes a move for my ponytail, which, because of my frozen shoulder, took me approximately four tries and 20 minutes to ‘pony’ this morning. Her close proximity to my hair sends me hobbling sideways in an attempt to skirt her grasp.

“Oh! Well, I need to see if there is metal in it. Yup. There’s metal in it,” she proudly declares. “It’s got to come down.”

I yank my hair, nearly halfway down my back now, out of the purple ponytail holder, carefully plucked straight from the package, new this very morning, because it matched my skort and I wanted to look like I tried.

My locks, gray and soft, fall down my back and tickle the rears of my naked armpits. I stifle a giggle, but ‘Maddalyn’ pays me no mind while she sets me up by scooting me a little to the left and a smidge to the right.

She smells of maple syrup and some sort of disinfectant that reminds me of urinal cakes. I’m sure it’s not urinal cakes. It must be some Covid-approved Lysol that is necessitated between patients. Just the thought of how sterile this place must be kept, by governmental decree, starts to give me a headache.

“You got all the piercings out?” she queries with a raised and perfectly plucked brow. For a red-hot minute, I want to pretend that I didn’t and that I had some nasty barbell hidden deep in my fleshy bits not seen by the public. I wanted to say, “Whoops! Forgot that vulva ring – be right back!” but of course I didn’t, because I don’t have one. I’m 50 and I have a beautifully sensible four door sedan, a prepaid Stewart’s card with which I am going to get a tuna salad on rye and a ginger ale when this is over and I have a doctor’s order with 17 different x-rays necessitated on it. I also have a clear understanding of the mid-life crisis right about now.

I get why the 75-year-old guy next to me on the drive down is going 90 mph in his 500 series BMW, fresh from the car wash and nodding at me in his Serengetti drivers resplendent with their smoke colored Corning glass lenses. I get why my neighbor down the street rips out and re-sods his lawn every Spring even though it is perfectly fine and looks no different once it’s been replanted by 3 twenty-something guys in muddy boots and dingy wife beater ribbed tank tops blasting Megadeth from their truck speakers. I get why the boy who had a crush on my best friend in the 5^th grade keeps sending her private messages via Facebook asking her if she understands what is happening in our country right now while his kid is out front holding signs declaring how down she is with the struggle even though she is living rent free in his basement sporting her gel nails and Ugg boots after he and his ex-wife sadly broke their marriage working two jobs a piece to pay for her hundred thousand dollar education.

I get it.

When the radiologic tech is almost young enough to be your granddaughter and all the two of you can chat about, other than your wonky back and constchondroitis during your plethora of x-rays is where to get good pizza in Schroon Lake (incidentally, I have no idea, I was just playing along for the sake of conversation because she saw where I lived on my papers and she is heading North this weekend) it might be time to get that tattoo, that jet ski, that condo by the shore. It might be time to visit that ashram, buy those courtside seats to the Celtics; might be time to stop asking ‘What do I have to do?’ and start asking ‘What do I want to do?’

After Maddalyn finished taking my pictures and I got dressed, I drove home with my Met Opera station at a volume that would have scared passengers, passers-by and dogs if there had been any, but there wasn’t. It was just me and Donizetti and his tragic Lucia di Lammermoor, the adoration of which might be a sign of my own impending mid-life crisis. Who doesn’t delight in a tragic cabaletta with a three-way affair, bodice ripping and family feuding and stabbing and dying over love? Don’t answer that. I know full well my enjoyment of opera isn’t shared by many in my circle. But screw all that. I full well dig it.  

In fact, my love of opera is directly attributable to my sixth-grade teacher who used to play Carmen and Madame Butterfly on vinyl for us kids in our classroom during “quiet” study time. She’d read that music, especially classical and opera, helped students retain information. I believe it to be true. I remember almost every single detail about that school year.

When I got home and slipped all my earrings back in, I grabbed my laptop and, very uncharacteristically, watched three YouTube videos back to back about applying makeup to middle aged faces. A stunning self-admitted 54-year-old with over 300 thousand views on her channel, applied eyeliner like an artiste. I watched her utilize eyeshadow primer and lash fixative. I google searched the products she recommended and then after 40 minutes I went to the bathroom mirror to check out my own sans-makeup complexion. That’s when I started laughing hysterically, the maniacal laughter of a woman gone mad like Lucia di Lammermoor or the wife of the guy up the street who keeps decimating the lawn when that money could be used this time of year for unlimited mimosa brunches, Jack Rogers sandals, and spa days in Saratoga. I laughed until I nearly threw out my back because I am never going to be any younger than I am today, and no amount of fancy Urban Decay eyeliner is going to fix my aging, aching body.

I am hopeful that my x-rays come back with either a treatable condition or no condition at all though I am not naïve or high enough right now to imagine that will be the case; but if it comes back with Ankylosing Spondilitis, which is one of the things we discussed in earnest today, I might just start searching for the 1937 Chris Craft I have had my eye on since I was 15 years old when my then-boyfriend took me to a boat show. We sat in one owned by a NY state senator who was a friend of the family. I have coveted that gorgeous vessel ever since. As I recall, that boat owning elder statesman had a well-done comb-over, a captain's hat, an expensive navy blazer and multicolored madras shorts. Those who passed by ogled the boat and remarked about how gorgeous “she” was. He nodded sagely, smiled widely, and adjusted his pinky ring while crossing and re-crossing his Sebagos at the ankle, midlife crisis on full display in the boat he christened “Crew Sin”.

 

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Honey and Vinegar; a Friendship

I was typing a greeting to a friend via text this morning and saw, before editing, this phrase: 

How are you my friend?

I edited it to read, How are you, my friend? and added the smiley emoji blowing kissy hearts. 

You see, we are long time pals with a 39 year history, therefore we regularly sprinkle in the lovey-dovey emoji. However, as I sat and stared at my screen, I realized that the first iteration of my intended-to-be-friendly phrase would have worked nearly as well as the second. 

How are you my friend?

Now, I know our friendship has been cultivated in very rich soil, the soil of two score years of laughter, comradery, shared experiences and showing up for one another. However, the strange part, the part that might chafe and rub, the part that keeps me wondering if our next beer might be our last, is...for the last two decades or so, we have come out of the starting gates agreeing on almost nothing. 

Our economic views are incompatible.

Our religions are convergent but not always in union.

Our reproductive views clash.

We can't agree on whether buying an American made vehicle is the patriotic thing to do.

One of us digs Biggie. For the other, Tupac is the preferred artist. 

How are you my friend?

We were raised by thoughtful and sensitive people who encouraged us to think for ourselves but we ultimately and unwittingly adopted their ways of thinking anyway...about politics, about family dynamics, about responsibility, about whether to use honey or vinegar as a way to frame a statement. 

How are you my friend?

Thankfully we have a common love of music, of world cultures, of old cartoons, of local history, of the environment. We are fans of unadulterated aging, of antique boats and of 80s era MTV. We had matching Swatch watches. We can't stand cafeteria pizza. We are most comfortable in hot weather. We laugh at any good joke about a rabbi and a priest. 

Some people don't believe in the respectful approach to friendship. They refuse to walk on the occasional eggshell because it's just not in sync with their egos. They post on social media about how they heartily and rightfully dumped folks who used to be a part of their lives because, darn it, they just can't seem to agree. They bluster and puff and decide to be right as opposed to being happy. All of this makes me flinch and although sad is an emotion I clearly identify with, when it comes to friends, I purposely and willfully choose happy. 

How are you, my friend?

I try my best to listen and learn. I state my opinions, though I usually do so with a light and upturned hand so that my friend will keep coming back to our virtual party wearing a chin strapped and paper-tasseled hat, slapping at me as I blow iridescent bubbles from a wand. 

We are honey and vinegar.

I think a lot about the concept. I see myself as the honey, my old friend as the vinegar...and before you or I tie any value to either, you should know I take honey and vinegar into my physical body every day to heal what ails me. The combination strengthens my immunity. It helps my tummy troubles. It balances my inner body systems. Honey and vinegar is part of how I survive. 

How are you, my friend?

Trying to come up with a list of things I appreciate about friendship would be difficult at best because I have so many friends and they are all so incredibly different from one another and from me and the kind of friend I try to be. The list would take me days to create but I only have ten minutes here so this is a short register of what jumps out at me today, particularly at this specific moment in time. 

I guess they keep you close to heart even if, actually, especially if, you disagree. They accept you while you're being obstinate. They judge rarely, but fairly. They find value in who you are as a human being even if who you are isn't within a mile of who they are. They'd walk that mile for you or with you if there was trouble. They open doors for you and celebrate your successes. They notice when you are afraid, even if that fear stems from something they seriously encouraged you not to do and instead of broadcasting an "I told you so" while lording over and peacocking in the neon of their brilliance, they bring you a blanket and tea. But if they can't do any of that because they aren't huggers and talkers and cheerleaders, then they stand by your side and at least they do no harm. 

At least they do no harm.

How are you, my friend?

I look forward to hearing from you. I always do. 

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