Through My Lens

I took Photography as an eighth grade elective. 

With an eye for beauty but no significant talent in the areas of drawing and painting, I wanted a way to express myself that didn't require me to put pencil or paint or cray-pas to paper anymore.

Photography it was.

My teacher was Mr. Barili, a tight-lipped, toneyed, Ralph Lauren oxford-outfitted gentleman with a thirty dollar haircut and a snazzy signature that looked like it contained more creative skill and imagination than my last twelve assignments combined in Mrs. Rowland's seventh grade drawing class. I coveted his extravagantly fancy felt tipped fountain pen, clipped securely to his shirt pocket. He repeatedly brandished and tapped it on completed prints drilling into our heads the finer points of photographic composition. Punctuating his thoughts, he'd relinquish its inky blackness to his polo-pony'd pocket with a self satisfied sweep suggesting he knew, without a doubt, precisely about what he was speaking. 

No sooner did I land on my assigned hard metal stool in that class when it was announced that we would all be responsible for buying our own 35 mm cameras. Handouts were provided with details about what model was required and where to go to make the purchase and the approximately 2 days' time we had during which to procure them; no excuses, no assistance, no subsidies, no kidding. 

Also, no camera, no class. So, as you can imagine, we lost more than a few kids on that day. 

I went home that night and tried selling my father on the idea that I (we) needed to buy this piece of art equipment and, swallowing hard, steeled myself, expecting an outcome wherein I would be lined up outside the guidance office the next day, dropping Photography along with half the class and adding a crap-tastic study hall to my already very vanilla, non-riveting schedule. However, Dad, purveyor of all of my required equipment throughout the years, thought a fancy camera was a solid investment in my education and happily agreed to take me shopping that night, despite the fact that this was 1982 and money was super tight and this particular photobox was going to be close to a hundred dollars. 

I'll always remember the occasion and how having the camera changed me. 

We went to Caldor which was in the local mall and had a decent "sporting goods" section which included a variety of cameras. The silvery Pentax K-1000 boxes were stocked high and deep because, I'm sure, every middle and high school in a 40 mile radius was requiring this particular model of its art students back in the day. I spied a well to do classmate and waved. She waved back and both of us scanned the camera selections on either end of the display, tucking our chins into our turtlenecks, me biting my thumbnail and half hiding a grin that said 'my parents do for me'...and 'look how special I am'.  

Close to my birthday, my father and I agreed that this would be my present and, picking one up, I scuffed slowly, cradling it to my chest all the way to the checkout counter like a baby. 

On my actual birthday, I would receive the accompanying zoom lens, also no cheap ticket.

I began to see the world through my camera lens that year. I wasn't super proficient either at loading film, which we had to practice again and again with our hands hidden in soft black velvety bags, unaided by sight, in an effort to repeatedly force the act into our unconscious, tactile second natures or at developing film, but I loved the preciseness of the mechanical part of it as much as I loved finding things to shoot. The chemical funk of the darkroom reminded me of red wine vinegar and made me crave tomatoes and leaf lettuce while the boys in my class clumsily groped all of us unsuspecting girls, out of sight of the teacher and, ensconced in the bloody red light luminescence, huddled improperly and devilishly close.

Our assignments rarely included the objects I preferred to snap. I wanted to click close ups of single and unique facial features. I liked the messy menagerie of a foul afterparty mess divulging an underaged alcohol blast. I got down and dirty with textures like mammoth sized bootprints stamped deep in frozen mud, bouncy wavelike treads on a rubber truck tire, and the curious peeling of rosy translucent 12 year old female shin skin after an unfortunate and accidental motorcycle tailpipe burn. 

Barili wanted trees, flowers and foods. 

I wanted life 

as art 

as life. 

I think I earned a B in Photography that year. Mr. B never saw or drummed his pen nub on any of my decent work. I only gave him what he asked for...subjects befitting an overprotected twelve year old's perspective. I remember submitting a print of an inflated surgical glove when he asked for a picture of a hand. 

I also remember he wasn't amused. 

The class might have taught me how to frame an objet d'art but I truly taught myself to look at everything twice that year as a result of being behind a monocle. I learned that when you look hard enough, the regular can be divine. I picked up that no two artists see things exactly from the same vantage point. The more I squinted and paid attention the less I quit writing off the everyday as ordinary. 

Dad was right. The "solid investment" he made in my education taught me how to flip everything on its head in order to get a better look at the light and the shadows.

Like a camera. 

 

Edit: Mr. Barili was (and probably still is) a fantastic photographer. His work was unbelievably complex and grand and I am sure he would have loved to have offered those of us who wanted it a more challenging curriculum. I don't fault him at all for not asking us for shots worthy of publication and I always wished I could have taken additional classes from him. 

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Bright Green Jackets and Bright White Lights - a Tale of Two Givings

Hubs and I parked the Prius in one of our usual spots today in order to take the min pin on one of her jaunty city walks. We can stroll merrily in our own suburban neighborhood well enough, but our doggy diva prefers sidewalks and front porches with big wooden steps upon which she can hurtle herself into the arms of one of our assorted daily well-wishers; and if she's lucky, receive a doggy treat. 

Trust me, she is often lucky.

As we parked today, we saw a fellow wearing a day-glo green parka standing outside of a Jeep jostling an immensely large clear mug of liquid. The jacket's color suggested either extreme skier or mad scientist or perhaps just someone who was also planning on strolling and preferred the sort of textile driven visibility that would most certainly lower the odds of getting hit by a car. 

Hubs remarked on the man's very obviously displayed cylinder. "What is that? Chem lab?" 

The gray haired gentleman expertly poured cloudless liquid from the beaker into another receptacle, a simple yet beautiful vase. Then, from the hatch, he brought forth with flourish, a giant bouquet of safe-in-plastic autumnal hued flowers. As Hubs leashed the min pin, I watched from my parking lot vantage point while Mr. Green Jacket, the amateur florist, arranged the browns, oranges and golds in a pleasant pattern; smiling and smoothing their ochre and auburn heads. 

Walking toward him, I remarked that the arrangement could not be more lovely. He blushed, thanked me, and remarked that he hoped that the recipient would love them as much as I did. I assured him that they would be a total home run. Someone was in for a gorgeous grace-filled surprise.

My heart sings in moments like this. My right hand floats chestward as if possessed during such occasions and I clutch lightly around my neck and at my clothing. It's as if I hold myself because I sense the crescendo of my heartbeat. My heart is a red balloon filled with gratitude and it will float out of my collar and up to the sky if I don't hold the feeling tightly.

And so I cradle it and breathe in love like the warm draft of a woodstove on a wintry day.

I am snug, and pleased with the world. As we cross Hubs, with a light hearted wisecrack, makes it known to the flower arranger that he's upstaging all husbands with the flowers; making them look bad. With a phosphorescent wave of his arm, the almsgiver of blossoms yodels the name of the nearby shop where he purchased them. Smiling, we express our thanks and walked on.

It is the time of year where all of the Halloween and harvest pumpkins are being discarded below the curb, primed for the street sweepers. The carved ones have taken on the appearance of shrunken heads. Others are solid and in one piece. I beg Hubs to grab some of these discards for the squirrels in our yard who, after I split them open, feast upon the seeds and fleshy bits with the excitement of Romans at a banquet. I love when they wring their little hands as though they can't contain their ecstasy of being offered such a delicious prize. 

Forty five minutes later into our walk, we see fluorescent flower man ushering small children at a cross walk near the neighborhood school. Hubs and I smile widely at one another. That explains the jacket. Rosy cheeked from the cold, he grins, eyes crinkled behind his glasses, listening intently to the little ones recounting their days. He sees us. We wave. He waves back with mittened enthusiasm. 

Tonight, on our evening walk, with the min pin bundled and darting into leaf piles, Hubs and I notice how many homes are already decked out for the holidays. It's quite dark so we can peek into windows as we stroll past; trees festooned in garland and lights; icicles, snowy white and electrified, hanging from garages and walkways; blowup St. Nicks and North Poles, some tall, some small, all carefully tethered to the cold ground and whirring gently from the fans inflating them for our collective delight. 

Turning onto one of my favorite streets, I see a home lit from top to bottom; 'Griswald-like" in appearance. A charming little tree stands squarely placed in the middle of the lawn with an illuminated sign set to its left. Initially, I thought it was a prop; maybe a giant letter to Santa or a copy of the naughty list, but upon closer inspection, it was a fervent request...a plea for those walking by to please "Be an Angel" and select a tag off of the giving tree**. As I'm sure you are aware, plucking a tag off a giving tree obligates one to benevolently buy for the recipient and return that special something in a prompt and elvish fashion.  

In our many years together, Hubs and I have grabbed tags off many a church giving tree, workplace trees, and even at Walmart in years past when we walked in three days prior to Christmas and saw that half the tags were still hanging unclaimed, but this was the first time we'd seen a tree like this on a regular city street in front of a regular city house. 

But this is no "regular" city house because the thoughtful people in this house recognized a need and took on the task of showing up for and shining a light, quite literally, on the plight of those who are hurting this holiday season. 

This is a house of "Why not me?" instead of "Why me?" 

This is a house of "I can," in place of "I can't."  

This is a house of "I will do" in lieu of "I could have done..."and as I read the wishes of the children on those tags, the whole scene touched me so that I felt the red balloon start filling up in my chest again.   

Hubs is used to my tears. He knows me. He sees first hand how I am touched day after day by the beautiful things which I am blessed to witness...ordinary people lifting one another up and creating opportunities for connection in a world that has been advised to avoid those around us, even the most vulnerable, in the name of safety.

One of my friends told me, via phone from across the country yesterday, that she feels as though she is stuck in a Jell-O mold; just wiggling from side to side from an occasional jolt in the biome. Truth be told, I've been known to enjoy a cup of the cherry goo, especially with fruit, but after hearing her analogy, I no longer have the childlike urge to suck it through my teeth. I've literally lost my taste for it just like I've lost my patience for rules and the regulations and the tamping down on all that we love as humankind, even though I know it's supposedly good for us. 

Safe for us. 

Responsible of us.  

So, I un-looped a tag off the tree with the hopes that by the time this child is old enough to know what Christmas dreams are, we will be back to our natural, regular routines; methodical and commonplace; the return of our ordinary days and our ordinary selves. 

And a sense of divine gratitude for each other.

I hope that the flowers meant for the crossing guard's special person have a starring role in the center of his or her Thanksgiving table. 

May blessings rain down like glittery white icicles on your holiday and on you. 

With big red balloon love,

Me

**P.S. The address for the giving tree is 16 Garfield Street, Glens Falls, NY 12801 if you feel moved enough to want to send a toy to a needy child. (Deadline for receipt of gifts is Dec, 18, 2020, thank you.) 

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The Avon Series - Blog 1

My first Avon product encounter was purely by chance. Walking home from school with my best friend in 1974, I unintentionally stepped on something under a bunch of orange, crunchy fallen leaves that caused my foot to roll slightly and being a little kid who liked finding random objects, I curiously picked it up.

I remember it was a small plastic cylinder, kind of like a Chapstick, which we had in my house, but larger and the color of a dark night of rain; fancy in its appearance. As I turned  it over in my hand, my friend decided we should show it to her mother. We lived in the same apartment complex, but Teri's building was nearer to school than mine, so her place would be our first stop with an item of such grand importance. This was back in the days when kids found something of value and quickly ran home so that they could turn it over to the first available adult, otherwise if you hid it in a pocket it glowed there like red hot contraband and would burn your hand if you fiddled with it.  

Rose, my friend's mother, identified the valuable object right away as an Avon "Demistick". She popped off the cap and expertly twisted up what was left of the solid milky looking fragrance. There was very little left in the tube, clearly this had been discarded, street-side, on purpose. As Rose tossed it in the trash, she explained that this was not an unusual item for a lady to have in her purse or coat pocket. Since nearly all of the women in our apartment complex were Avon customers, Rose naturally had a Demistick or two of her own. Grabbing a new one from the medicine cabinet, still packaged in its small box, she sat us down in the living room so that she could show it off. In my mind's eye, I see a navy colored label showcasing a female figure, Greek or Roman, mythical in appearance. The goddess may or may not have been wearing a toga. As a five year old, this seemed like an unbelievable treasure. 

"Moonwind," Rose said peering at the label on the bottom of the stick. Teri and I looked at one another and she went on to explain that names of all of the Avon perfumes were redolent of far away places or romance. Teri and I observed excitedly as she first dabbed some on herself; permitting each of us to test the grown up scent on our wrists and behind our ears. We lifted our little arms to our noses in order to inhale our newly spicy bouquet.

Rose game me that Demistick, probably because I was so enamored with it and the one I'd stumbled upon was not useful. I carried the Moonwind Demistick to my apartment and placed it in my red patent purse which was used for carrying my small sized identification and books and candies for church each Sunday. I don't recall applying it but I liked taking it out and drawing in its incensy goodness.

My mother got her first visit from the Avon lady almost immediately following my discovery. Ringing the doorbell with her small valise of items, she was a bit like a traveling sales Mary Poppins. Makeup, fragrance, and jewelry would pour out of what seemed like too small a case to hold all of the goodies which Mom and I were encouraged to admire, hold, or sample. 

Flash forward to November 2020 and I have begun selling Avon at age 51. 

I am the Avon Lady. 

Needing a little something special for myself, this seems very comfortable and natural. That early childhood introduction led to a lifetime of Avon during which I've received dozens of cherished gifts, and, when I was old enough, selected products of my own which have brought me an abundance of happiness.

Tune in for more Avon stories, which I plan to chronicle here and on my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/valbucciavonlady.

Enjoy these cool photos I found of vintage Demisticks. Do you remember them?

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Ports and Payots

I have to keep reminding myself that my neighbor is sick.

He has cancer. It's a cancer that he has been battling and which initially gets knocked back by the medicines his care team offers; but then the disease becomes smarter and stealthier and the medicines need tweaking so that they can once again sneak up on it by surprise and trounce it into a prolonged chokehold.  

I wonder how my neighbor, who is the same age as my father (a survivor of the same cancer, thanks be to God) keeps the faith in a situation where either the cancer or the treatment has to win and there isn't an odds maker in Vegas that would be able to give you a smidgen of reassurance which'd make you want to take the action on this. 

Today, I was pulling dead flowers out of my front garden when he came driving up in his car, fresh from a two hour treatment, zipping up his Patriots windbreaker over top of a gleaming white gauze pad which sits over top of the port in his chest. The port, for those of you who haven't taken Cancer 101, is where the chemo goes in. 

Chuckling, he flipped back his ball cap to show me and my other neighbor, both of us outside on a good weather day for yard work, how he had just become a new member of the 'bald head club', popular with guys of a certain age on our street. He explained how his hair was tumbling out, not by choice, and how he was in style now; his normally thick and healthy white follicles gone in favor of a shiny baby pink crown which he kept touching, self-consciously.

He speaks, we laugh, we listen. His countenance is so jolly it shames me. It shames me because today is my first full day off the couch since September 8. I've been sick myself, but with something that I will eventually overcome. It just takes me a while because I am compromised in multiple ways these days...and I'm a bit of a dweller...and I'm completely strung out on anxiety. But alas, I am me. 

As I sprawled out on my living room couch this past month, watching the best and brightest days of Autumn pass me by sunrise after sunset like my Fiddler on the Roof record stuck in a bad groove, I have been watching my neighbor in his Patriots windbreaker maneuver his lawn tractor, week after week, cutting and bagging his leaves and grass. From my vantage point I spy him carefully assembling his Halloween decorations, filling his birdfeeder, and piloting his car on daily errands with his wife. But me? I mostly sat, ordering things online that I don't require but which amuse me during my prolonged downtime: new storm cloud colored walking sneakers; a vintage oxblood Aigner leather clutch that reminds me of 8th grade; and clearance priced tank tops from Duluth Trading Company for next summer or southern travel, because, heavy on the spandex, they girdle my middle aged belly better than any other brand at the moment. Even deeply discounted they are too expensive but I don't care. As our left side couch cushion becomes permanently imprinted with my ass, an extra few dollars to cradle my guts seems inconsequential. 

But every package that arrives is proof that I cannot drive, cannot shop in a store like other normal (albeit masked because of the pandemic) folks, cannot walk without assistance, all due to an unforeseen complication from a recent medical procedure. The typical high that one might get from the receipt of a package has, for me, turned into more of an exercise in despair; and all the while I convalesce I repeatedly spot the neighbor, far sicker than I, going about his business.

His hair immediately brings to mind my Aunt and her fight with multiple myeloma which, I am sorry to say, she did not win. Let me just pause to affirm that "sorry to say" sounds like the weakest, most inept way to convey how the hole that she has left in our collective family's heart and lives has changed us all, and not for the better but I don't know how else to impart it properly without taking thirty paragraphs to do so. 

My Aunt Rene (pronounced REE KNEE) lost her hair in the same way that my neighbor is losing his, from treatments which were meant to kill the rapidly growing cancer cells that ailed her, but which also killed the rapidly growing hair on her head and caused her confused scalp to sigh and willingly release all of her long gray-streaked locks in clumps. Rene used to have a particular way of tucking her hair behind her ears. Having had surgeries as a little girl in the 1950s, she had small patches of scar tissue both in front of and behind her ears and I don't know if was purely habit or a purposeful move for vanity's sake, but she used to leave a wisp of hair in front of each ear as she tucked the majority of her tresses behind her for an easy, casual look. As her hair started falling out, those wide front of the ear pieces, almost like the side locks on the most devout of Jews, stayed stubborn and strong, while she started finding their wooly sisters and brothers on her pillowcase, on the back of the couch, and blocking the drain of the bathtub. She called me the day of our family reunion and asked me to bring down clippers and a scarf. I knew what was coming, and I did what she asked. 

That day I shaved her head. As our family gathered and milled about outdoors, we sat on my Uncle's couch and I tried my best to make her comfortable by telling her things like how perfectly her noggin was shaped and how she absolutely did not need to cover it with a scratchy wig or some sort of soft bandana, and how it looked nothing like Darth Vader's dome when we got that spooky peek of his giant, soft, peachy head sans-helmet in one of the Star Wars movies. She giggled wearily and played along, as we both tried to make one another feel less awkward about the fact that I was shearing off the last pieces of her pre-cancer identity. Upon finishing, I flicked hair off the couch onto the floor where someone would sweep it up later and as she rummaged her hands about her head, we looked at each other with a sense of relief. However, the humid August air hung with an atmosphere of collective sadness for having shared the experience. Eventually, the hair went in the trash. The more that I think about it now, I wish we'd saved it, like the soft precious pieces folded away in our baby books. 

Anyway, today's experience got me blogging again. I hadn't the energy nor the enthusiasm for it in the last 6 weeks but seeing my neighbor up close sparked something in me and I swear as I hacked at and pulled the dead grass from the ground level of my stella d'oro day lilies, I felt just like I was pulling hair from the scalp of the earth. I could hear my Aunt whispering, in my ear, with my hair style so similar to hers; a big hunk of silvery gray hanging down in front as I pulled my garden gloves off and tucked the rest of my very long argentate fall behind my shoulders, "you'd better start to write again."

And I did.  

 "Payot": Hebrew word for sideburns.  

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Harley Rendezvous

I miss large social gatherings. I miss weddings and graduation parties and concerts and movies and I miss going to the 3 day Harley Rendezvous in Pattersonville, NY. To be clear, I haven't been to this Harley Rendezvous in about three decades but it still ranks up there as far as compelling memories go.

My college boyfriend played bass guitar in a band which was faithfully hired to play at the yearly biker rally. On this sunny late summer morning, something about the air and the atmosphere brings the playlist for those events to the forefront, thrumming through my mind. Perhaps you can join me for a trip down memory lane. Strap on your helmet, sidle up and ride along.

I had the privilege of introducing the band. This was a time in my life when my weekend attire consisted of denim mid-thigh skirts, concert t-shirts and studded cowboy boots made of black ox hide and alligator so I was the perfect two minute frontwoman. Stepping up to the mic, I'd hold it with my right hand and holding my clear cup of domestic beer by the rim with my other hand, dangle it casually down my left leg. When the wolf whistles stopped (more ceremonial than intimidating), I'd welcome everyone and do my best "Ladies and Gentlemen..." intro. I'm not saying it was perfect but it was effective. I got the attention I asked for.

The opening song was always "Call Me the Breeze" by Lynyrd Skynyrd and I was primed and ready to jump off and dance with whatever biker chicks were already out on the floor. They were the ones swathed across the stagefront chirping to the guys while they set up their amps and instruments. They were the ones who would hip check me hard at the bathroom sink so they could apply layer after layer of fairy tale pink lipstick to their wanton mouths. They were the ones who the lead guitar player's wife wanted to kill, show after show, and the reason why she'd come to only the very occasional outing.

A minute into The Breeze, a few long limbed bikers would join us on the floor. Usually the chaps, so proudly and boldly worn up until that moment, would be shed in an effort to move more freely. In my mind I see crimson colored do-rag bandanas, inky black tshirts rolled up north of the bicep, boxes of Marlboro Reds tucked safely within those rolls or visible dangling just above the stitching of the front tshirt pocket, well worn jeans ripped and thin in all the right places, and boots of every variety being lifted and lowered in time to the music, some remarkably alight despite their lugged heft.

You can tell a lot about a biker based purely on boot selection. 

Most of the guys that I knew wore electrician boots. These boots were waterproof, shock proof, steel toed, oily leather. They were also skid and slip proof, with 2 inch rubber soles, so they weren't the easiest to dance in, but the guys who wore them were usually so bone-weary and dog-tired from working five twelves one sleep prior to their Saturday rides that they didn't shimmy a lot anyway.  They were more or less standing in place, singing loudly, lifting their plastic cups in overhead drippy gestures of respect, and letting their necks loll side to side in a deliberate motion of loosening and slackening, shrugging off the stress of the week. 

The guys who wore classic coal colored, engineer-style, pewter buckled riding boots were typically well groomed with nice leather jackets and newer black Levis. When speaking with them I would detect a hint of cologne which was in stark contrast to the majority of the guys who smelled of hard work and sweat and oil and electricity and maybe even something burning. The engineer boot wearers' jackets were blank tabula rasa style smooth cowhide, also dissimilar to the motorcycle gang artwork adorning many of the backs of the others in attendance. I loved the decorated garments and would spend a lot of time studying them, memorizing their allegiances and, often, pictures suggesting pain. Running my hands over the tapestry of painted, stitched and patched jackets left draped over the seats of barstools, I could feel the stories of these men animatedly sparking in my palms.

Chiseled jaws, facial scars, eye patches, gloves, and shots of whiskey instead of plastic cups of beer belonged to the denim jacketed guys. Some had sleeves, many did not. The denim dudes rarely made eye contact with me despite my attempts. Their combat wounded veteran patches helped me sense what might belie their shifty eyed silences. Sometimes their hands and gills would tremble in the beginning of the first set while they stood alone and I anonymously bought them shots, but later in the night when I crept by again and stole a glimpse, I'd see a pack of heads pitched together, a cohesive powwow of blue jeaned GIs, and the fingers were pond water calm. 

The guys with the cowboy boots were usually the dancers, tripping the light fantastic. Their smooth soles allowed for scooting and sliding and I liked their assortment of T-shirts, emblazoned with the latest concert, or an American made automobile logo, or checkered flags and STP, or even the occasional Bart Simpson. The band's second song was usually Honky Tonk Woman by the Rolling Stones and the cowboys would ball up their fists and close their eyes and hoist their shoulders up a few inches toward their ears sloping their hips forward, knees bent, while the front row ladies cavorted and spun and mingled about giving them giving them giving them the honky tonk blues. 

Songs three through eight were always a nod to the late sixties and early seventies when many of the festival patrons came up in the world. Louie Louie by the Kingsman, Wooly Bully by Sam the Sham, Born to be Wild by Steppenwolf, a trifecta of Run For the Jungle, Bad Moon Rising and Green River by Creedence Clearwater Revival; then they'd take it down with the Allman Brothers Midnight Rider. 

Jimi Hendrix's version of the Star Spangled Banner followed (and I almost always heard the first three minutes from the bathroom because I knew this was the song right before their first break and I tried to get in there before everyone else did).  I'd catch the end, exiting while wiping my hands on my skirt and bearing witness to every person in the crowd standing at attention, some hands on hearts, some lifting salutes, all listening to the lead guitarist share his powerfully metallic patriotism, full of reverb and whammy, eventually down on his knees, back arching and fingers cramping from the dichotomy of the notes; a whirling swirl of red, white and blue spiritualism tinged with hope, backdropped by grungy strings squealing in protest and anger.

After the break, with the front row ladies tipsy and sparkling with sweat laying claim to their prominent positions on the floor, the band opened back up with Greg Allman's I'm No Angel. This would invariably draw a huge crowd. I never thought the song was the best in the set, but it spoke to the people, well seasoned and unwound, hanging loose and trolleyed by the music and liquid courage. 

"So I might steal your diamonds. I'll bring you back some gold. I'm no angel." 

Elvis, Johnny Cash, Tom Petty, George Thorogood, Bruce Springsteen, Marshall Tucker, Molly Hatchet, Little Feat and the Georgia Satellites peppered the second set. Dancing ensued. Drinking ensued. The revving of engines and smoking of cigarettes and noisy peel outs ensued. Break time after set two was usually around ten thirty at night. 

Since my friend's group began as a Skynyrd tribute band, set three was almost exclusively Florida swamp rock. The flooring trembled underfoot while a hundred or more gamy, euphorically carefree bikers, bathed in the sweat of a good time, hoofed it without reserve for another hour. The drummer looked like he'd emerged from a nearby lake, mullet plastered to the sides and back of his thick neck. This time of night was my favorite because we all became one sticky ball of black tar, oozing and swelling and dragging on each other. Shoulder hanging-on was common; holding one another up was routine. Differences were overlooked. Kindness was the rule. Kinship through music and back slapping and heat and drink made us all sailors on the same boat in the same sea. We were all worshipping at the same altar. The greatest of friends for an evening; ready to defend someone you met an hour ago within a heartbeat of your life, we fit together like the shingles of a roof. 

We did a lot of car sleeping back then. Tired and too drunk to drive, we would recline the bucket seats and catch a few hours of awkwardly positioned, mosquito-bit rest before getting up and making our way home. The early morning grounds around this out of the way farmtown premises would be festooned with the dancers, some in tents, others curled in balls on Mexican blankets next to their motorcycles, some single, some spooned in the mauve colored light. It was like a battlefield scene, and I'd walk silently among them as I waited for my boyfriend to shake off the night and start the car. 

They slept, some peacefully childlike, some contorted in the clutches of a bad dream or a sour stomach, but mostly puddled softly in the light; jumped and jived out, spent like an ultra marathon runner at the finish, it was, for me, the best morning-after buzz. 

http://www.harleyrendezvous.com/index.php

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Hemingway and Me

If given a choice, I think I'd like to be beach bound with countless cats, drunk and writing all the live long day.

Like Hemingway.

Now don't get me wrong and for God's sake, untwist those English major panties, please. I am not comparing literary styles. I am not suggesting that I am the next great American novelist. I'm simply drawn to a few of the finer ingredients in what should have been Hemi's 1930s lifestyle cookbook. 

Namely:

1. Beach.

2. Cats.

3. Booze. 

4. Writing.

Having lived a more structured life for the last 33 years I think I am ready to exchange it for a few dozen, God willing, preponderantly Havanian-flavored seasons. 

The recent events of 2020 have shaken me like Scrooge after coin-eyed Marley grabbed him, double fisted, by the nightgown. I'm floating around in a similar dream state, examining what I thought were the most productive years of my life and wondering: Should I have done something else? Been something else? 

And with everything so berserk and ferocious and frenzied, I ponder the idea...am I living my truth? Am I listening and learning? What is the universe telling me?

Lots of my friends are searching and probing as the world twists off its axis. I receive their distress signals via text every day; and although the lot of us are on very different paths, we seem to have one solid sentiment in common: 

Screw all this. 

I feel we are each primed for personal upheaval. 

Lately, like Hemi, I've engaged in a little day drinking. It's not a regular occurrence, but I cannot deny the sensuously gentle touch of alcohol in the belly right around 3 pm. It makes my brain fog seem like cotton candy clouds festooned in tinsel and doused with glitter and gloss. I haven't decided whether this is a perfectly legitimate form of lubrication which allows for unbridled written self expression or whether I might eventually need an intervention, but today, because I am a realist I say fuck it. Pass me another hard kombucha.

At this moment, I can see Hubs and me packing our bags to live among the Key West outlaws where I can loudly profess what I love right out down in the street; where I can help usher the sea turtles into the ocean; where the sun can bespeckle my nose with caramel-colored stipples; where the Ron Centauro rum flows unreservedly; and where I can stroke the warm fur of lazy genetically freakish multiple-toed cats whenever the hell I please. 

And where I can write about it. All the live long day. 

Roll out the turquoise carpet. I've had enough.

Fun Fact: Ernie claimed to have written mostly when sober, a notion upon which I call "bullshit".

And, just for giggles: here is the Hemingway cat cam: https://www.hemingwayhome.com/cams/cat/

#mushroomtumbler

God Wink #5: Bob Ovitt

Hubs and I host a weekly gathering which could be called " Revisiting The Good Old Days". 

We and our regular guests, including my father and a friend of ours from church, routinely do a temperature check on the status of at least one issue or current event plaguing our country and then we invariably launch into a few light hearted stories about "the way things used to be". We love spinning yarns about the stark contrast between "way back when" and today. As you can probably guess, "way back when" usually wins in terms of quality of life, the joy with which we experienced the stories we tell, and the overall successes that resulted from lives well led and time well spent. 

My Dad's birthday was this week so Hubs and I took him out for dinner last evening and along those lines, we conversed about the latest news involving teachers, students, the pandemic, and all that is expected from everyone who works in and around school buildings as September encroaches. Opinions were shared about what is being done right and a few criticisms were launched about what is being done wrong; and after we'd had enough of today, we shifted to telling stories about simpler days spent in the schools of our youth.

Taking a trip down memory lane, I recounted being a 4th grader, responsible for 26 kindergarteners during the teacher's lunch hour. Back in 1979, this was known as "Kindergarten Duty". 

Let me preface the details by telling you nothing went sideways and we never lost a kid. Everyone came through to the other side of the hour with nary a scratch. 

So stop holding your breath. 

It's all good. 

You see, the teacher needed a lunch break and kindergarten was a half day event back in the 1970s so when the morning class had been sent home, another responsible elementary school student and I would make our way down to the kindergarten classroom to usher in all of the afternoon kiddos and entertain them for an hour while the teacher left the room (and most oftentimes, the building) to eat. In the event of an emergency we were instructed to locate the school custodian, Bob Ovitt. 

We were on a first name basis with Bob, even as 9 year olds. He didn't seem to mind at all.  

I think back to the level of responsibility we were given and cackle like hell about it by today's helicopter parent standards, but back then, we had an hour of laughter and a bit of learning with those kids every afternoon and I welcomed the "job" three years running, through my time in 4th, 5th and 6th grade. Those five hours per week were one of the highlights of elementary school. We played top 40 records, carefully planned and brought from home (no swear words, no weirdness). We illuminated the little ones with step by step disco dance lessons. On quieter days we read books aloud, holding them aloft and turning the pages once every small fry seated in the big half circle had a good look at the pictures. On noisier days we had singalongs, with the best piano accompaniment we could manage as two non-piano playing children, certainly with more flourish than skill. The one task we were asked to accomplish each day was, in an order only the creators of the program understood, to present the Letter People and teach their individual abilities and quirks to the wee ones so that they could recognize whatever Letter Person was held up (we had inflatable plastic blow up Letter People) and shout out their attributes...for example "Mr. H! Horrible Hair!"  "Mr T! Tall Teeth!" 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Letter_People. 

We also created and prepared an end of the year series of skits with the kids, all natural performers at that age, and put on a theatrical style show for the kindergarten teacher during the last week of school. There were simple costume changes, dances, songs, and, without fail, a bemused look of surprise on the teacher's face and a standing ovation when it was over. I think she was repeatedly shocked by the amount of forethought on our parts and the amount of competence with which the children pulled it off. 

In addition to my Kindergarten Duty job, I was also a part of the Safety Patrol. All the "SP"s were early arrivers, sporting white belts and ushering children across crosswalks, keeping them corralled in single file lines and offering problem solving solutions when fights broke out before we were let into the building in the morning. As an aside...the "solutions" were simply a suggestion that the brawlers take it over to the Circle of Doom after school in front of an audience. And before you hold your breath again, the "Circle of Doom" was a big patch of nicely mown grass about three houses down from school. A few times a year we were treated to a big ol' slugfest there around 2:40 pm, you know, back in the glory days where kids fought it out one afternoon and shared a tuna sandwich on soggy white bread at lunch the next day with busted lips and dime sized bald patches where hair was yanked. 

So, as you can probably guess, there were no teachers to find if things went awry during morning line ups. We were told to "find Bob Ovitt" if we needed help before first bell. 

Hubs, Dad and I all agreed that Bob Ovitt was a gosh darn hero. School custodian and maintenance man by trade, he was literally charged with the management of dozens of students every time there wasn't anyone else who could be available for us. We ran for Bob fairly regularly in the morning, interrupting him as he attempted to prepare for the day, making him stop shoveling so that he could put an end to nasty snowball fights where some of the bigger boys would resort to packing snow around broken icicle bits before launching them, or imploring him to grab a first aid kit so that we could put After Bite on a five year old's bee sting after he picked a flower for the teacher and then realized it had an angry wasp on its stem, stinging his palm repeatedly. Bob Ovitt was everyone's go-to and he liked delivering a strict yet somehow comforting message about our collective conduct. 

When Bob Ovitt spoke, you listened.   

My 6th grade class spent a week in the Springtime preparing for some Bob Ovitt-themed occasion. I can't remember if he was retiring, or being promoted, or moving to another school, or maybe it was his birthday...but the important part of the story is we honored him as an entire school. Each class either made a dessert or magic marker'd a banner or rendered a song, or bought a gift. Our class in particular wrote an original ditty about all that he did for us and at the end we used the letters of his name to spell out his special qualities. We all screamed "BOB OVITT" at the top of our lungs following the final T (which was probably for TIMELY because the man was never, as I recall, late for anything).

At the end of my elementary school stories, I said, "I need to see if Bob still lives around here. It might be fun to share these stories with him." Nodding, we agreed. 

Then this morning, less than 12 hours later, I opened up our local newspaper and found this:

https://poststar.com/lifestyles/announcements/obituaries/robert-bob-e-ovitt/article_08394d23-943c-5ba4-90cf-20b82475851f.html

It's Bob Ovitt's obituary, plain as day.

Weird, right? I think the Godwink is that, intuitively, I seem to have been prompted to have something prepared in his honor; some little tribute for him at the ready, even though last evening I didn't quite know why, and I honestly hadn't really thought about Bob in a good many years. 

So, here it is. My hat is off to Bob Ovitt and I am happy to reminisce in his honor. 

I'm truly sorry I didn't get to chat with him personally, although maybe he heard us last night, somehow. 

#mushroomtumbler

New Old Radio

I have been on the hunt on eBay and other auction sights for an old radio; a Panasonic RX 1230, just like the one given to me on Christmas day 1981 by my parents. One of my most favorite gifts ever, I don't know what happened to it after I went to college and left it in my Dad and step mom's bathroom for proper shower-time entertainment. 

I wish I still had it. I wish that about a lot of my early 1980s treasures.

I found written tributes to the radio on antique radio pages, and postings for parts for sale here and there but I hadn't been able to find one in good working order, so, reluctantly I broke down and bought myself a new retro style cassette player this past week instead. Admittedly, my new Crosley is beautiful and has Bluetooth which seems like cheating somehow, but I am sure I will find that feature useful at some point. 

Hubs and I went to CVS and bought some chubby D batteries - the expensive ones so they don't die after one long afternoon. Lucky for me they were buy one pack get one 50% off since this monster uses 6 of them at once. I loaded them in according to the instructions and slid my new prize into my oversized 24 year old LL Bean boat 'n' tote bag branded with my former monogram in heavy duty purple thread. Randomly grabbing a handful of cassettes from our basement understorage, where they've sat undisturbed in a huge bin since we moved into this house nearly 15 years ago, I tossed them into the tote and we, along with the min pin, set off on our Saturday afternoon adventure. 

After hubs and I arrived at our lakeside destination for the day and set up our two low lying beach chairs, I grabbed the radio and the tapes, plunked down, and with the min pin on her leash between us, cranked cassette after cassette. Honestly, it was pure bliss. Between the bright sunshine, the beautiful breeze, and fortunate proximity to water on such a warm day, we were all feeling pleased. Plus, rediscovering the arbitrary assortment of songs was like throwing open a door to the past, having grasped its handle for 25 years. 

Don't get me wrong. Having more than 15,000 songs on my iPod makes for some very interesting and eclectic tuneage at the ready/on demand, and I willingly exalt the inventor of my most favorite musical storehouse but listening to a single cassette, first one side and then the other; the act of flipping and pushing play...it's all delightfully deliberate, old school, and oh so satisfying. 

It's like you can't rush a cassette. Really, you can't. Not wanting to waste batteries by rewinding or fast forwarding, and certainly not risking or compromising the structural integrity of these tapes, most of which were easily over 30 years old, we just popped them in and settled down beside the emanation of their gifts. 

First, I queued Led Zeppelin IV. I was really happy to see it among my unplanned snag. I never tire of it. But this little one didn't have a case, and the plastic was covered in smudges of brown fingerprints. It looked more than a little rough. Dusty and dirty from having been naked in the basement, the sound quality surely would be crappy...but in it went. Three songs later on side one, Robert Plant began sounding more like he was involved in incantation than singing so before the tape got stuck, I swiftly snatched it out and we moved on to Loverboy's "Get Lucky". 

This album was crisp, clean and fantastic. (If you've never Googled the story behind those red leather pants, and the crossed finger imagery, do yourself a favor and get on it. I, too, thought that was Mike Reno's tight Canadian bum until about a year ago when I heard Alan Hunter do a piece about the cover photo on Sirius XM radio.)  

Listening to Loverboy brings me back to the days when I used to be a trim and fit runner; the kind of person who just leaves the house in pursuit of a quick three miles, you know... for fun. Leaning back in my sand chair hearing those songs made me want to lace up my old Nike Pegasus shoes and hit the trails. It's amazing what the brain and body remember when prompted by old queues. Transported to the time I went to Loverboy's concert on a Tuesday night in August 1983 under a canopy of pouring rain, I swear I can smell a combination of old shoes, sweat and dirty water when I hear the opening synthesized notes of "When It's Over". I can feel my bandana undeniably soaked, tight and dank across my forehead (we all wore them...it was a fashion statement) and the acrid tang of my pink can of hairspray burns my top lip.  

When the Loverboy album was spent, I moved trancelike and purposefully. It was time for Black Sabbath "Paranoid". Raise the horns! You'd think a good Catholic girl who goes to mass every weekend might have a problem with Black Sabbath but they are, for keeps, woven into the fabric of my life. My cousin Dootz and I listened to this cassette ad nauseum for an entire summer at our campground back in the day. We carried it around in a two foot long boom box everywhere we went: to the beach where we scared the bejeezus out of anyone over the age of 55; the game room where we used it as unflappable background music for our 8-ball billiard games; and the nightly family-friendly campfire where we turned it up as loud as we could before my Moo Moo admonished us with a stern, "NOT THIS. Turn it DOWN." 

Concentrating on the eerie, witchy lyrics being lifted over the haunting sounds of Tony Iommi's guitar, I pictured my cousin in his white leather high top Converse, unlaced and scuffing beneath his heels; his layered hair messy under his painter's hat with the "Grab a Hiney" Heineken logo a tad bit askew due to the shaky hands of an attractive but inexperienced clerk at the helm of the heat transfer machine in our mall's tshirt shop. I recall us running beneath a sky full of stars, tripping and laughing over uneven terrain in a desperate attempt to get back to our campers by curfew without running into any bears so that we could do it all again tomorrow. As we sprinted our tails off, Ozzy would bang against my leg bawling about death and destruction. We might not have had the best understanding of exactly what War Pigs was all about but conscience told us that killing people was unsavory and evil and knowing all the words, we thought we were the coolest 11 year olds ever...we may have been.

Hubs and I listened to Billy Squier, ZZ Top and the Cars before packing up to return home. We also raised the impressively tall antenna and found the best local radio station around, which was a shock since we couldn't even get consistent cell reception up yonder.  

My new/old radio makes me feel young and gives me a bit of permission to slow down. 

I look forward to rummaging through the basement container to see what other auditory gems await. 

#mushroomtumbler

 

I'll Save These Letters For Myself

Emotionally assaulted. 

Turned inside out.

Snapped in half like a 7 iron before it's flung into the water hazard. 

I haven't felt this whipped, this filleted, this beat up through no fault of my own since high school when nearly all of my friends conspired against me and I collapsed alone in a whirlpool vortex of 

she said 

    she said 

        she said 

            she said.

Drowning.

Bloated.

Sunk.

No matter where I gaze online these last couple of days there is a seemingly unlimited supply of gobbledygook, of bilge, of amphigory working to eradicate my happy countenance and it's a struggle to stay afloat.

I breathe. I ohm. I try to visualize myself as a daisy but I end up a yellow bellied perennial who throws her head back just in time to see a metallic tonnage of train cars derailing and taking flight; subsequently squashing her and all those surrounding...trackside sown and grown daisies, just swaying here minding our own business and facing the sun with our little daisy arms held aloft.

Tonight, I listen to the Foo Fighters song "See You" incessantly, on repeat. I want this ditty rife with sadness in a candy coated shell to help me dance in the kitchen with a glass of wine alternately held aloft and then snuggled at my side like a six gun but right now it just makes me miss everyone I haven't seen in the last 5 months, or 15 or 30 years...really, it's all feeling about the same at this moment. 

I fall inside the song where I crawl about, searching. My worming leads me over top of slivers and nails, right about at "you oooh oooh." Dave's voice closes my eyes and I melt into maudlin. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AM52_Q3enjU&t=1s

But, as the garishly painted and rainbowed rock I found while walking the dog reminded me today, this too shall pass.

On more than a few occasions this week I've thought I'm still here. 

Disaster and recovery, calamity and recuperation, strife and calm, cataclysm and rebirth. 

Worldly hurt and anger and insolence, survival without permanent fracture, and overwhelming pain isn't easy. Neither is righting and soothing and caring for a patch of accidentally mown daisies....but I'll do it over and over. 

I'm going to hear this song in my head all night. 

#mushroomtumbler

Street Fish

Every day, Hubs, the min pin and I walk in the town where I grew up. A couple mile walk generally takes well over an hour because I stop and I talk to at least a dozen people each time we venture out. 

I see my regulars, like Kristin with her delicate body art and long black lashes who raps with me as I'm pouring my Stewarts coffee and auburn-haired Rachel who calls me "my dear" and offers the min pin her highly anticipated complimentary dog biscuit. We grouse with bicycle riding Peter, in his bulky white knee brace. A long distance runner since the 1970s, he's got arthritis now and exercises every morning to keep that joint from stiffening up permanently. We wave to Mike, making time to enlighten the female coffee klatch, ever-present at their red picnic table, with his updates from his children, physicians who know more than we do about Covid-19. The advice, not his fault, changes daily. 

We see Daisy the black lab mix and her owner who she yanks like George Jetson on the treadmill, with his legs flying out of control. We see the tousle haired elementary aged boys who tent on the front lawn, only about a foot from the road, and their mother who seems unconcerned and happy, delivering their Sunny D and Styrofoam cups. We see the gentleman wearing oxygen on his front porch, waving high and proud from his wheelchair despite seeming to be in a seriously compromised position. Cat on lap. Wife inside window.

I see the parents of old friends with whom I reminisce. Know how to make a person feel amazing? Remark on what a great job (s)he did raising their children. Remind them of how instrumental they were in your own childhood. Tell them about how their welcoming nature reminds you, to this day, of being six years old, running down the street with a melting fudgesicle, coming for their daughter and her enormous collection of Barbies. Smiles and hugs abound when I share my tales of the old days, but I have to keep them short and sweet because usually Hubs and the min pin have left me behind and are three blocks down the street by the time I'm tipping my coffee cup in a good-bye gesture. I have two favorites. One is a purple and very expensive Yeti, a 50th birthday gift from a friend. The other is cheap and orange and has Halloween witches all over it. As I strut toward my husband, waiting, I think...this is a great mug and I'll see these good folks again...probably tomorrow. 

Some of the Barbie-playing friends, in-class friends, and friends with whom I played sports are still living in town. A few are even retired or working part time after several decades-long stints as police officers, firefighters, military personnel, or teachers. I stop at their homes when they are out front. We marvel about how fast life flies by, how they're sprucing up the place now that the kids are moved out for good, how they saw in the paper that someone we knew and cared about had passed away, and how the swimming pool has seen better days but there isn't any money in the budget for a new heater and liner...nope, not this year. Then I tip my cup and if it's been more than 10 minutes, I amble to catch up to Hubs and, you guessed it, the min pin. 

We occasionally pick up things on the side of the road during our travels but I have agreed to limit my curbside finds to two very distinct items. Number one: hostas that have been dug up and discarded, because part of my backyard is a shade garden with room for more hostas (and it breaks me to see them shriveled up on the roadside) and number two: "street wood". We have a cauldron, big and black and fit for a sorcerer with punched out stars and moons. Outside fires with friends are one of our favorite summertime social activities. Long ago, we paid good money for wood deliveries but once we started paying attention to all the trees in my old town, hacked down and left for the taking, it's become a sort of game for us. 

"Look! Street wood!" 

"Ack!"

Hubs is a good man. Without complaint, he loads up the permanently-tarped-for-such-occasions back of his Prius and we sail on down the road, trippy and happy to have found the filthy, sappy freebie before the city public works truck sidled up and chipped it into mulch. 

Street wood is such a commodity for us that our fireside friends call us when they see it too. 

(Phone rings.)

Me: "Hello?"

FF: "Street wood on Horicon Avenue! Near the entrance to the park! OMG it might be BIRCH!"

Me: "Ok, we're on it! Thanks!"

Then we harness the min pin and off we go. 

So, it should really come as no surprise that today we were gifted with street fish. 

Yes, you read that correctly.

Street fish. 

We park in front of a sweet white bungalow with a welcome sign on the door and a worn but majestic wooden stockade fence when we drive the ten minute ride in from the suburbs. It's right next to where I get coffee and it's close to the first elementary school I ever attended up here, so as we stroll I can tell Hubs, for the millionth time, the stories of the water feature in my kindergarten classroom and the stuffy bomb closet in which we hid from the Russians when the Commie alarm clanged. The guy who owns the bungalow is a hard working, affable, Irish looking chap named Danny. A chatty type, like me, he seems to understand that he is adding immeasurably to my life by letting us park there for our daily walks and I totally understand that I am much obliged because of his kind gesture so I willingly and happily exchange pleasantries whenever we see him...which is a lot. Over time he has deemed the front of his house our "special reserve spot" which is hilarious and I love him for it.  

So, today we saw Danny as we were done walking and about to get back into the hybrid. We spoke of his job, which is taxing, tough, essential mill work, and how he's been putting in more hours than usual, not by choice. When he has a day off, which isn't very often, he fishes. He can't wait to throw the pole in the SUV and drive north for a few hours of aqueous peace and quiet. 

And that is how we were blessed even more than usual on this day. 

After telling Hubs and I about his 6 fish day trip, with 2 swimmers big enough to bring home, he smiled broadly, told us he'd be right back, and came out of the house with a baggie of frozen perch. He also shared three of his favorite go-to recipe ideas. You might not think that this is a big deal, worthy of a blog post, but to me this is the essence of hometown living. Danny, whose space we invade on a daily basis, thinks enough of us to offer us a portion of his catch. I held the baggie to the sunlight and teared up a little on the way home because gestures like this mean everything to me.

I love living here. 

I love the people. 

I love our daily walks. 

I love everything about this place. 

A friend of mine who moved away to Florida 30 years ago once said to me, sadly, "It was always home...right up until it wasn't" but this will always be home to me. 

My heart is here. 

My home is here. 

My people are here. 

And I have street fish to prove it.  

 

#mushroomtumbler

Chris Craft Crisis

"Please take off everything but your underwear. That includes all your jewelry, " Maddalyn said while sizing me up. "Earrings, too."

"All my earrings?" I asked, scrunching my nose up and rubbing my fingers over the four in my left lobe.

"Yes. They show up on the film and make things messy."

"Ok. I'll see you in about half an hour." I joked, unscrewing my hoops and studs. 

She smiled wearily for my lame attempt at humor and left me alone to change.

Entering the imaging room while pinching the back of the huge blue gown together with my good arm for dear life, lest me violet bum (underwear is permitted) scare anyone ambling by in the hallway, I sigh at the sight of the gigantic x-ray machine and ask if I may please remove my mask, worn for the purpose of keeping my nonexistent cough from spraying anyone in my nonexistent 6 foot field of reach during our 6^th month of Covid 19.

"Sure, no problem" the masked technician chirped, flipping expertly through the paperwork my new doctor had sent over. I set my mask down on a chair and caressed behind my ears, nearly raw from the constant rub of elastic.

"Were you in a car accident?" she asked.

"No."

"Have trauma?"

"No. Why?"

"Well there are so many images requested here, I just..." and she peered up at me over her own bulky white face covering with a look that screamed pity even though all I could spy were her irises and eyebrows.

"I have Lyme." I explain and leave it at that even though my story is so much longer and involves so many other details, problems and realities. It's just that I am tired of explaining myself and have just come from another 90-minute appointment, so I am whipped, frazzled, tattered and I want to make this quick.

She walks toward me and makes a move for my ponytail, which, because of my frozen shoulder, took me approximately four tries and 20 minutes to ‘pony’ this morning. Her close proximity to my hair sends me hobbling sideways in an attempt to skirt her grasp.

“Oh! Well, I need to see if there is metal in it. Yup. There’s metal in it,” she proudly declares. “It’s got to come down.”

I yank my hair, nearly halfway down my back now, out of the purple ponytail holder, carefully plucked straight from the package, new this very morning, because it matched my skort and I wanted to look like I tried.

My locks, gray and soft, fall down my back and tickle the rears of my naked armpits. I stifle a giggle, but ‘Maddalyn’ pays me no mind while she sets me up by scooting me a little to the left and a smidge to the right.

She smells of maple syrup and some sort of disinfectant that reminds me of urinal cakes. I’m sure it’s not urinal cakes. It must be some Covid-approved Lysol that is necessitated between patients. Just the thought of how sterile this place must be kept, by governmental decree, starts to give me a headache.

“You got all the piercings out?” she queries with a raised and perfectly plucked brow. For a red-hot minute, I want to pretend that I didn’t and that I had some nasty barbell hidden deep in my fleshy bits not seen by the public. I wanted to say, “Whoops! Forgot that vulva ring – be right back!” but of course I didn’t, because I don’t have one. I’m 50 and I have a beautifully sensible four door sedan, a prepaid Stewart’s card with which I am going to get a tuna salad on rye and a ginger ale when this is over and I have a doctor’s order with 17 different x-rays necessitated on it. I also have a clear understanding of the mid-life crisis right about now.

I get why the 75-year-old guy next to me on the drive down is going 90 mph in his 500 series BMW, fresh from the car wash and nodding at me in his Serengetti drivers resplendent with their smoke colored Corning glass lenses. I get why my neighbor down the street rips out and re-sods his lawn every Spring even though it is perfectly fine and looks no different once it’s been replanted by 3 twenty-something guys in muddy boots and dingy wife beater ribbed tank tops blasting Megadeth from their truck speakers. I get why the boy who had a crush on my best friend in the 5^th grade keeps sending her private messages via Facebook asking her if she understands what is happening in our country right now while his kid is out front holding signs declaring how down she is with the struggle even though she is living rent free in his basement sporting her gel nails and Ugg boots after he and his ex-wife sadly broke their marriage working two jobs a piece to pay for her hundred thousand dollar education.

I get it.

When the radiologic tech is almost young enough to be your granddaughter and all the two of you can chat about, other than your wonky back and constchondroitis during your plethora of x-rays is where to get good pizza in Schroon Lake (incidentally, I have no idea, I was just playing along for the sake of conversation because she saw where I lived on my papers and she is heading North this weekend) it might be time to get that tattoo, that jet ski, that condo by the shore. It might be time to visit that ashram, buy those courtside seats to the Celtics; might be time to stop asking ‘What do I have to do?’ and start asking ‘What do I want to do?’

After Maddalyn finished taking my pictures and I got dressed, I drove home with my Met Opera station at a volume that would have scared passengers, passers-by and dogs if there had been any, but there wasn’t. It was just me and Donizetti and his tragic Lucia di Lammermoor, the adoration of which might be a sign of my own impending mid-life crisis. Who doesn’t delight in a tragic cabaletta with a three-way affair, bodice ripping and family feuding and stabbing and dying over love? Don’t answer that. I know full well my enjoyment of opera isn’t shared by many in my circle. But screw all that. I full well dig it.  

In fact, my love of opera is directly attributable to my sixth-grade teacher who used to play Carmen and Madame Butterfly on vinyl for us kids in our classroom during “quiet” study time. She’d read that music, especially classical and opera, helped students retain information. I believe it to be true. I remember almost every single detail about that school year.

When I got home and slipped all my earrings back in, I grabbed my laptop and, very uncharacteristically, watched three YouTube videos back to back about applying makeup to middle aged faces. A stunning self-admitted 54-year-old with over 300 thousand views on her channel, applied eyeliner like an artiste. I watched her utilize eyeshadow primer and lash fixative. I google searched the products she recommended and then after 40 minutes I went to the bathroom mirror to check out my own sans-makeup complexion. That’s when I started laughing hysterically, the maniacal laughter of a woman gone mad like Lucia di Lammermoor or the wife of the guy up the street who keeps decimating the lawn when that money could be used this time of year for unlimited mimosa brunches, Jack Rogers sandals, and spa days in Saratoga. I laughed until I nearly threw out my back because I am never going to be any younger than I am today, and no amount of fancy Urban Decay eyeliner is going to fix my aging, aching body.

I am hopeful that my x-rays come back with either a treatable condition or no condition at all though I am not naïve or high enough right now to imagine that will be the case; but if it comes back with Ankylosing Spondilitis, which is one of the things we discussed in earnest today, I might just start searching for the 1937 Chris Craft I have had my eye on since I was 15 years old when my then-boyfriend took me to a boat show. We sat in one owned by a NY state senator who was a friend of the family. I have coveted that gorgeous vessel ever since. As I recall, that boat owning elder statesman had a well-done comb-over, a captain's hat, an expensive navy blazer and multicolored madras shorts. Those who passed by ogled the boat and remarked about how gorgeous “she” was. He nodded sagely, smiled widely, and adjusted his pinky ring while crossing and re-crossing his Sebagos at the ankle, midlife crisis on full display in the boat he christened “Crew Sin”.

 

#mushroomtumbler

Honey and Vinegar; a Friendship

I was typing a greeting to a friend via text this morning and saw, before editing, this phrase: 

How are you my friend?

I edited it to read, How are you, my friend? and added the smiley emoji blowing kissy hearts. 

You see, we are long time pals with a 39 year history, therefore we regularly sprinkle in the lovey-dovey emoji. However, as I sat and stared at my screen, I realized that the first iteration of my intended-to-be-friendly phrase would have worked nearly as well as the second. 

How are you my friend?

Now, I know our friendship has been cultivated in very rich soil, the soil of two score years of laughter, comradery, shared experiences and showing up for one another. However, the strange part, the part that might chafe and rub, the part that keeps me wondering if our next beer might be our last, is...for the last two decades or so, we have come out of the starting gates agreeing on almost nothing. 

Our economic views are incompatible.

Our religions are convergent but not always in union.

Our reproductive views clash.

We can't agree on whether buying an American made vehicle is the patriotic thing to do.

One of us digs Biggie. For the other, Tupac is the preferred artist. 

How are you my friend?

We were raised by thoughtful and sensitive people who encouraged us to think for ourselves but we ultimately and unwittingly adopted their ways of thinking anyway...about politics, about family dynamics, about responsibility, about whether to use honey or vinegar as a way to frame a statement. 

How are you my friend?

Thankfully we have a common love of music, of world cultures, of old cartoons, of local history, of the environment. We are fans of unadulterated aging, of antique boats and of 80s era MTV. We had matching Swatch watches. We can't stand cafeteria pizza. We are most comfortable in hot weather. We laugh at any good joke about a rabbi and a priest. 

Some people don't believe in the respectful approach to friendship. They refuse to walk on the occasional eggshell because it's just not in sync with their egos. They post on social media about how they heartily and rightfully dumped folks who used to be a part of their lives because, darn it, they just can't seem to agree. They bluster and puff and decide to be right as opposed to being happy. All of this makes me flinch and although sad is an emotion I clearly identify with, when it comes to friends, I purposely and willfully choose happy. 

How are you, my friend?

I try my best to listen and learn. I state my opinions, though I usually do so with a light and upturned hand so that my friend will keep coming back to our virtual party wearing a chin strapped and paper-tasseled hat, slapping at me as I blow iridescent bubbles from a wand. 

We are honey and vinegar.

I think a lot about the concept. I see myself as the honey, my old friend as the vinegar...and before you or I tie any value to either, you should know I take honey and vinegar into my physical body every day to heal what ails me. The combination strengthens my immunity. It helps my tummy troubles. It balances my inner body systems. Honey and vinegar is part of how I survive. 

How are you, my friend?

Trying to come up with a list of things I appreciate about friendship would be difficult at best because I have so many friends and they are all so incredibly different from one another and from me and the kind of friend I try to be. The list would take me days to create but I only have ten minutes here so this is a short register of what jumps out at me today, particularly at this specific moment in time. 

I guess they keep you close to heart even if, actually, especially if, you disagree. They accept you while you're being obstinate. They judge rarely, but fairly. They find value in who you are as a human being even if who you are isn't within a mile of who they are. They'd walk that mile for you or with you if there was trouble. They open doors for you and celebrate your successes. They notice when you are afraid, even if that fear stems from something they seriously encouraged you not to do and instead of broadcasting an "I told you so" while lording over and peacocking in the neon of their brilliance, they bring you a blanket and tea. But if they can't do any of that because they aren't huggers and talkers and cheerleaders, then they stand by your side and at least they do no harm. 

At least they do no harm.

How are you, my friend?

I look forward to hearing from you. I always do. 

#mushroomtumbler

Memorial Day

I woke up gasping for breath again today.

Where is Vinny? I can't find him.

My heart races. I brush the hair away from the back of my neck, cloying with sweat, and then as I emerge from the haze that is is a dream, uncommon because I haven't slept in 16 years, I remember that Vinny is gone.

Vinny is my son. Was my son. Was the little one that we worked to conceive and who has haunted me every day since we found out his little heart stopped beating.

Vinny's birthday was supposed to be July 14, 2009. He would be 11 this year. Something about that kills me...slays me like a dull knife to the back of the head where someone is sawing my skull off but doesn't have the strength or the perseverance and leaves me half hanging because they have run out of steam. Maybe it's that I love preteens with all of their bravado and their adult but not really adult-like ideas. Maybe it's because my most favorite part of my professional counseling experience was with middle schoolers and they trusted me and I adored them and we were so connected that I physically felt it when they hurt. Maybe it's because he would've been a scrappy and tough little league all star, following in the footsteps of his father. Maybe it's because he would have been a smart but stubborn boy with broad taste in music following in the footsteps of his mother. I believed he would have loved hockey and Christmas and nature and God and animals and he would have been the first to hop up and lend a helping hand, all in the footsteps of those who went before. Who cares what he looked like since looks have never meant that much to me, but in the cavern that is my soul I know he would be the perfect combination of all the genetics that were afforded him.

But Vinny never breathed air or cried. He never announced his gifts, or his presence in our world and I was too heartbroken and grief stricken and too fucking broke and tired and insane after two years of constant trying to try again. Broken and broke went hand in hand. And because we kept things private and no one was intimately involved, we inadvertently chose to have no network on which to rely for rallying and support and casseroles and cards, and it all ended with Vinny, though he also had a half dozen unnamed precedents who I am hoping he met in heaven. My daily prayer is that they are all together.

So memorial day means soldiers and it means the fallen and it means those who went before and it means cleaning graves and it means prettying things up at the cemetery which we faithfully do every year but it also means my son is dead and it means I never got to hold him and it means that because of this I ache for him every day in my heart which was actually shattered like a fragile wine glass dropped from a ten story building long before he existed. I suppose you aren't supposed to give a kid a job...I've read that...but Vinny was already at work repairing my heart when he died. Maybe he would have been a cardiologist. Maybe he would have been a bum. I don't know...but to me he is the little kid in the Memorial Day parade...the pumpkin with his hat on backward which I focus on a little too intently and hoot and holler and clap for even though he's not mine, because if I don't spread this love somewhere it will eat me from the inside out. It will devour all that I have to give and it will bury me.

And Memorial Day will be something more entirely.

(Thanks for reading this...I know it's dark as shit but I am, as my friend Patti recently remarked, finding catharsis in my writing. If this resonates with you in any way, I wish you peace and I wish for you to have closure, whatever form that takes. Also, many thanks to my friend Kim D-H. who gave me the encouragement to put this out there again after I published it and then retracted it minutes later.)

(PS. People were very good to us after we lost Vinny, I took a little liberty as a writer here with the no casserole, no card comment. I mean no harm to anyone who happened to know and who lovingly expressed sympathy.)

#mushroomtumbler